Am I Autistic? Take Two

I don't like lying.

With this in mind, I'm sorry if I have deceived you.

I wrote a blog post titled Am I Autistic? over six months ago.  My conclusion was I exhibited a lot of ASD traits/behaviours but no, I absolutely was not actually autistic.

Huh.

It seems I may have thought I wasn't autistic but others - specifically my parents and Wolf - are of a differing opinion.  Not necessarily at the time of me writing the blog post but certainly more recently.  We had a conversation about ASD a few weeks back (a pretty regular occurrence in this household) and it came up.  Since then, I have read up a bit more on females with Asperger's and have even taken a pretty good online test...with the conclusion I probably am autistic.

Wolf said he thought I knew.  I didn't.  I knew they joked about it but I didn't realise they were serious.  Not that it's in any way autistic to not get when someone's joking...or anything...

I've started to assess my behaviour in the way I do with Tyger and it's a little disconcerting.

There are certain things it seems I do - and probably have done for years - that I was totally oblivious to.  Apparently, I violently rub my face when stressed.  I also bite my thumbs (not like some Shakespearean character trying to insult someone in a rival family but biting down on the knuckle absent-mindedly).

Like this.  Huh, looks like my teeth are off-centre...never noticed that before.

Having asked my parents what my most obviously autistic traits are they've said I'm obsessive, like routine and have always been a bit of a loner (and the close friends I have had have generally probably not been neurotypical themselves...and at least one of them reads this blog so...umm...not you, obviously...).

I don't know what they're talking about.  It's not like, when I was a teenager, I used to read through my Friends books listening to my Friends CD with my Friends poster staring down at me and test myself on my Friends knowledge using my Friends daily calendar in between each episode of Friends...when I'd always make sure I had a mug of milk (Friends mug, of course) on my Friends coaster with the same number of biscuits in plenty of time so I could always clap along with the theme tune...on a Friday night...at home...with my family.  An obsessive, routine-driven loner!  Pfft.


This week I went to the first session of the 'EarlyBird' programme (a course for parents of young children with ASD).  What better place to start analysing myself for autism than on a course all about autism with a load of parents of autistic children?

First clue was how anxious I was about going.  New place, new people, not knowing what to expect - it's a lot to stress about and stress I did.  Queasiness and pressure on my head and face (somewhere between numbness and feeling like they were being squashed) seem to be pretty reliable signs of my anxiety.

Actually, Wolf has said I'm at my most autistic (he probably worded it differently, to be fair) when preparing to go somewhere new for a specific time.  I'm not sure exactly what I do!

Once there, I coped pretty well with going in (desperately trying to remember the direction from which I entered the building so I'd know which way to go at the end because I could get lost in a phone box) and meeting everyone.

I did almost have to leave the country and live as a hermit forever more after declaring the big hot water flask for tea and coffee was empty only to find out it needs pumping.  I valiantly stayed and didn't even curl up into a ball in the corner!

So, we began.

The room where the course is held has those horrid tube lights.

I have problems with light.  There are days when it's not hugely bright out but I find myself squinting and struggling to look up at all (not at the sun but just up near the sky), whilst everyone else is unaffected.  That's nothing compared to my problems with artificial lights, though, and certain colours of bulb that make everything seem either really saturated or unsaturated and I can't focus on anything properly.  It comes up in my dreams a lot and I spend a lot of my time feeling like I've suddenly gone from darkness to bright light and my eyes haven't adjusted yet and those lights didn't help.

There was constant noise, too: rain drumming on the roof, a video playing in the next room, people in the reception area.  It made it hugely difficult for me to focus on the video we had to watch.

And I noticed myself doing...things.

People with autism often have a problem with 'proprioception', which is your ability to know where your body and limbs are in space without having to look.  Sounds ridiculous, right?  How can you not know that?  That's what I thought until I realised at this course that I totally have problems with it.  I was sat there struggling with the lights and the sound and realised I was doing all these little things to keep me 'grounded'.  I was constantly rubbing my toes together, I had my legs crossed and was pressing the top leg into the bottom one really hard.  And I was constantly pinching myself, digging my finger nails into my hand, pushing my fingers together or stretching them really far apart.

What happened if I made myself stop doing all these things?  I really did feel like my body was floating, like I couldn't really feel my limbs without concentrating really hard on them and on the feel of the fabric of my clothes touching them.

I sat there listening to people talking about the sensory issues people on the spectrum have and they were talking about me.

Not that anyone would have known to look at me: they couldn't see inside my shoes at what I was doing with my toes, couldn't tell how hard I was pressing on one leg with the other, and it's easy to push your thumb nail into your hand so nobody can see.

See, just normal hands with fingers interlocked.
Except, I'm pressing the nail of that bottom thumb in my finger.

It was thought ASD was far more prevalent in boys than girls.  However, the more we understand about autism the more evidence suggests girls actually present in a very different way and tend to be very good at 'masking' their ASD.  When it comes to supposedly 'higher functioning' ASD, these girls' autism goes completely unnoticed until they reach puberty and then the combination of physical and emotional changes, the increased social pressure and the greater academic demands suddenly all combine to completely overwhelm them and that's the point at which - if they're lucky - they might get a diagnosis.

If I have ASD I have always been very good at masking it.  I have been so good at masking my autism, in fact, I've hidden it from myself.

What now?  What am I going to do with this information?

I don't think I'll try to get a diagnosis.  Not right now, anyway.  I will need to start pushing to get Bear diagnosed soon and I don't think I can cope with both.

What I will do is cut myself some slack.

I have always thought I was a terrible friend because I find it really hard to reply to messages or initiate contact or meet up.  I agonise over every 'hi, how are you' and response.  I start messages and never finish them because it's just too much.  Knowing there's a good chance I have a disorder that predominantly affects social interaction and communication makes me feel a little less guilty.

I'm not an uncaring friend; I'm autistic.

I have always suspected I'm a bad parent because at times I know I should be playing with the cubs and instead I am sat on my laptop.  I think actually my ASD means I get so overloaded by the boys' constant noise (which is part of their ASD) that I retreat and the only thing that stops me breaking down and crying in the bathroom is focusing on my laptop for a while.

I'm not an indifferent mum; I'm autistic.

I always thought I was useless because I don't do things I know I need to do like sorting out various insurance or phoning the hospital about something.  I knew I was physically and intellectually capable so didn't understand why I just couldn't bring myself to do these things until well after the point where they needed to be done.  Now, I understand my problems with executive functioning and anxiety - both elements of ASD - are probably to blame.

I'm not lazy; I'm autistic.

Knowing I'm probably autistic is enough at the moment.  It's a relief just knowing why I am the way I am.

Linked with:

Interview with the Aspie

I use this blog as a platform to raise awareness and understanding of ASD pretty often but - as I covered in my blog post here - I'm not autistic myself.  One of my sisters is, though, and she kindly agreed to let me interview her to allow me to fully communicate the perspective of someone on the spectrum.  My sister is only 16 and was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome just two and a half years ago.  On here I call her 'Aspie Sister' (with her full support - she doesn't see 'Aspie' as a negative term) so that's been abbreviated to 'AS' for the interview.

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Me:  I wanted to do this interview to give people a slightly better idea of what it's like to have autism and especially to have a meltdown because I think it's quite hard for people to imagine or to empathise with.  You got your diagnosis quite late, which is often the case for girls.  So, did you realised you might be different to your peers before then?

AS:  I think I always realised I was different.  Thinking back to year seven - I don't know why but I was going through a really weird phase - I'd always tell people I was insane and my password was always like 'iaminsane'.

Me:  I remember, actually, getting a text from you once saying, 'Am I normal?'

AS:  That rings a bell.

Me:  And I kind of brushed it off at the time.  I just said, 'Oh well, what is normal anyway?  Is anyone really normal and is being normal really such a good thing?'  Now - knowing - it shows you did have an idea you weren't neurotypical even if you wouldn't have known to phrase it like that.

AS:  Yeah.  I think one of the reasons I would always be like 'I'm insane' and I'd try to make a joke of it was because I was quite scared.  Because, I was like, 'I'm different.  I don't know what this is.  Why am I not like everyone else?'  I just tried to put this front up and I was all, 'Ah, I'm insane!  I'm so funny!'

Me:  Yeah.  'I'm just the crazy one.'  Like...the 'quirky friend' because that's obviously a 'thing' in TV shows so I guess you thought if you could embody that then it was still an accepted role in society?

AS:  Yeah.

Me:  How did you feel about the diagnosis, then?

AS:  I was so relieved.  Most people are like, 'It's not a good thing you've got a diagnosis.  Why are you happy you've got this label?'  But it is such a relief when I've been thinking I'm from a different planet.  I thought no-one was like me.  To have that and know there are other people like me is just such a relief.  It also meant I could get help.

Me:  You've had a lot of various support and it's worked to different degrees depending on how well the person trying to support you understands ASD.  There are some misguided attempts to help.  People quite often think they're helping by telling you to tell them when you're having problems, don't they?

AS:  Yeah.  Also I'm not good at speaking in person and teachers often say, 'I don't like emails much.  Just come up to me and talk to me about it.'  And I'm like, 'No, just let me email you.'  It really annoys me when they don't email back but then they come up to me and just start talking to me about it and I'm like, 'No!  No.'

Me:  Would you like to explain what having ASD actually means for you and your everyday life?

AS:  I don't know because it's quite hard when you have it and...it's just your life.  People always ask me, 'What's it like to be autistic?'  But, I don't know.  It's just how I am, how I see the world.  For me, I can't imagine anyone else seeing it in any other way.  It's like me asking other people, 'What's it like to be normal?'  I don't know.

Me:  The big thing I wanted to cover was meltdowns.  I was wondering if you could talk me through what triggers them.

AS:  For me it's usually something social.  If something goes really wrong in a social situation that can trigger it for me.  Or if something to do with my routine gets wrecked, especially if it's a routine I've had for a long time.  Like when I always used to have to have spaghetti on a Sunday and then I remember coming home one Sunday and Dad said, 'We're going to have a barbecue tonight.'  I was screaming and Mum and Dad didn't seem to understand why.  They were like, 'But you like barbecues.'  I think they struggled to understand why it was such a big thing for me.

Me:  Can you remember from meltdowns how you actually feel?

AS:  I guess you just feel very overwhelmed.  A lot.  It's quite hard to describe and it depends on why you have the meltdown.

Me:  So, it's not always the same feeling?  It varies?

AS:  Yeah.  And when you start to go into a meltdown you do start to lose control.  And there's this part of you that's like, 'No, stop it.'  You can see it's just silly and you shouldn't be doing it but it's just this tiny little voice and the rest of you is like, 'NO!  This is so important.'

Me:  So, there is a bit of you watching yourself from outside?

AS:  Especially if I'm in a group of people it's like, 'Stop it, stop it.  Everyone's going to look at you.  Stop it.'

Me:  But you can't?

AS:  I cannot.

Me:  It's not something you're doing out of choice.

AS:  No.  And I've noticed I have a lot of actions I just cannot control.  They just happen.  I often just randomly shake my head quickly - especially if anyone tries to talk to me.  I'll just shake my head: 'No.'  Obviously, there's that part of you that knows it's bad that then starts to get frustrated and then that comes out so you get angry and upset and everything.

Me:  So, it's like a loop?  It feeds into the meltdown?

AS:  Yeah and that's when, I think, other ASD people can get quite aggressive.  I don't tend to get aggressive but there have been times where I do get a little bit aggressive.

Me:  It's more just anger at yourself for not being able to stop it?

AS:  And then I can't control the anger and it sort of goes into this horrible cycle.

Me:  Do you typically cry?

AS:  I usually cry.  Usually there's lots of grabbing at myself and my hair - that's something I do a lot - and various shaking and tapping.

Me:  And I know you sometimes pace?

AS:  Pacing: definitely.  And then when the anger starts to build up I start to like, 'Argh!' (clenches her fists) And that's when I'm grabbing even more and sometimes I'll just be like...

Me:  And as you work through the meltdown you often collapse, it seems.  Does that happen a lot?

AS:  Yeah.  I think it all gets too much and I just can't seem to function anymore so I just collapse and cry.

Me:  It's interesting because you lose control but there's a part of yourself that says, 'Don't do this.'  When you're coming out of the meltdown does the voice gets louder or is it that you cry yourself out or...how does it end?

AS:  I usually just run out of energy.  When I was in year nine I used to say I'd run out of tears.  I'd just get to the point where I...couldn't anymore.

Me:  So, is there anything that can bring you out of a meltdown once it's started?  Or is that it and it's just going to run its course until you run out of energy?

AS:  I guess it depends on how bad the meltdown is.

Me:  And maybe where you are and who you're with?  Would you be more likely to come out of a meltdown when you're here, somewhere you're comfortable, and with - for instance - Mum?  Or, because you're comfortable, would you be more likely to let go and would you be more likely to hold it back when you're out with people?

AS:  I try to hold it back more when I'm out with people.  You want, so badly, to fit in.  You just hold it all in and that's often when - when I get home - it all comes out.  I used to find especially on Fridays when I'd had the whole week at school I'd often just end up crying.

Me:  So, after you've had a meltdown do you typically feel better than you did before or do you feel worse...or do you just feel numb?

AS:  I think it depends on where I am.  So, if it's out in public or something, I'd feel worse afterwards but if it's at home I usually feel better.  Sometimes it's just nice to let it all out.

Me:  During the meltdown, is there much in the way of thought?  You say there's a small part of yourself that is just thinking, 'Don't do this,' but other than that are you thinking much?

AS:  There aren't many thoughts but it often is a sort of cycle of what sent you into the meltdown but then it can start to reach out to other things so that makes the meltdown even worse because then you're like, 'And there's this wrong, and there's this wrong and this happened.'  I often keep saying, over and over, 'I'm sorry.'  Especially if it's with Mum or my boyfriend.  'I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.'  They'll say, 'Why?'  And I don't say anything other than, 'I'm sorry.'

Me:  Do you think you're sorry because you think you're putting all that on them?

AS:  Yeah.

Me:  Like you're burdening them?

AS:  I always feel like that.  Sometimes when I get upset about something and I'm talking to my boyfriend he says, 'Go and see your mum.'  And I'm like, 'No, I don't want to put another thing on her.  I can't do that to her.'

Me:  Finally, is there anything you wish more people knew about ASD?

AS:  Probably...that we are people as well.  Some people get scared of us.  People know of the ones who are quite aggressive and violent...or just because it's unknown to them so they get a bit scared.  Or some people just get very angry with people who have ASD and they're like, 'They shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.'

Me:  Jesus!

AS:  Just, if you hear one story of an ASD person who's been violent or something then you get so many horrible people.

Me:  (Sarcastic) Yeah, because neurotypical people are never violent!  I guess it's just ignorance, isn't it?

AS:  Yeah.

Me:  Thank you.

Linked with:

Poo You!! (Are ASD Parents Too Sensitive?)

Tyger has been lining things up a lot recently.  It's an ASD thing and something he's always done but he's doing it far more right now, especially with his cars.  Perhaps it's a coping mechanism because he knows there's change coming (he will go to preschool after the summer) or maybe I'm just noticing it more at the moment or it might be he's already forging a future career as a...parking attendant or something.  I don't know.

Yes, that's a door in the background and no, we were not allowed to move the 'traffic' away from the door...

This week, at a toddler group, Tyger diligently lined up all the ride-on cars and the toy buggies along the edge of the room.  It was pretty conspicuous so I briefly explained to a couple of the other mums about Tyger's compulsion to line things up.  They know he's being assessed for ASD.  One of the mums just smiled and mentioned her own son's phase of lining things up.

I immediately felt defensive.  Defensive and a little...belittled?  I thought about Tyger's concentration as he lined up perhaps 20 or so cars at home and then his distress if anyone tried to move them.  I thought about all the different things he lines up (cars obviously, blocks, CDs, toy animals, his Henry Hoover collection, buckets, trains...) and how long he's been doing it (probably about a year now).  I know a lot of toddlers go through a phase of lining up when they're learning to categorise the world around them but it's not really on the same level.  This is probably where a lot of people would use a sports metaphor and talk about...leagues?  But I don't do sport.  I guess it probably felt like someone who's been out on a pedalo a few time comparing himself to the captain of a ship.  Except that makes it sound like I think this little boy was an amateur liner-upper whilst Tyger is an expert and that's not what I mean.

Anyway, the previous week something similar had happened.  After watching another boy who was playing with a doll in a buggy, Tyger found another doll and another buggy and wheeled them over to the other boy so they stood next to each other.  I mentioned the fact Tyger often very closely imitates other people to the boy's mum and she said she thought all kids do that.  I know all children copy to some extent.  I know if one child decides to play with the train track you're far more likely to get others suddenly showing an interest in the train track.  And children love cleaning 'just like Mummy and Daddy' (haha! I avoided the trap of just putting 'Mummy' - how many feminism points do I get?); unfortunately, they don't do it well enough to take over all cleaning duties (I know - I've tried).  I know kids often pick up phrases they've heard from adults (normally either ones that sound massively cute coming from a child or - more likely - hugely inappropriate phrases that you just said that one time and why did they have to pick up on that specific phrase out of all the things you say!).

But Tyger doesn't just do a little copying here and there.  He'll watch someone intently and imitate everything about them.  If they have a backpack on, he'll get his own (or - if they have a buggy!).  If they're sat with their hands in their lap, he'll sit with his hands in his lap.  If they walk away, he'll walk along right next to them (think shoulders touching).  When they speak, he repeats wheat they've said in the same tone of voice.  He does this a lot.  In fact, it's a huge problem with his interactions with Baby Bear.  Tyger often copies Bear (babbling, chewing on things, maybe crawling) and does it so close to Bear he's pretty much on top of the poor child.  As you can imagine, Bear is less than thrilled to have this limpet stuck to him at all times.

When someone says they think all children are like Tyger, it feels like Tyger's struggles are being downplayed.  I feel like shouting 'poo you!!' sometimes (which is something Tyger said to the Wolf the other day when the Wolf was teasing him and it tickled me).  But I know nobody's trying to make me feel bad.  I know the other mums almost certainly aren't trying to insinuate I'm exaggerating or even lying about Tyger's ASD.  I imagine they either don't even think about it at all or - if they do - are trying to be supportive by suggesting Tyger is still 'normal' despite his ASD.  I doubt there's any malice there.

Why do I feel so defensive?  Well, I think there are probably a few reasons.  For one thing, I always feel a little defensive when it comes to Tyger.  When your kid decides he absolutely needs to roll around on the floor when you're out, or when he has a meltdown and starts kicking as you pick him up and you can feel the eyes on you and hear the thoughts, it can make you defensive.  When the first few health care professionals you mentioned ASD to, were completely dismissive because your child 'makes eye contact' it can also make you defensive.

I don't tell anyone to go poo themselves (wow, maybe the 'poo you' insult doesn't work as well as I thought...or maybe it works a little too well and too...disgustingly) but I do feel like it.  I don't think it's at all unusual for an ASD parent.

I have also read a lot recently from parents of kids with ASD and adults with ASD who say they are offended by so many terms.  Some dislike the term 'on the spectrum' because there is confusion over whether 'the spectrum' refers to just the autistic spectrum or the whole lot ranging from completely neurotypical through to very autistic (it's the former - I checked!).  And then you get people saying 'everyone's on the spectrum', which (as I now know) is certainly not the case.  So, the whole concept of a spectrum can be problematic but that's not all.

Other members on these forums don't like 'autistic' as a term because autism is not something people are but something they have (if it seems like I refer to a disproportionate number of conversations that take place online rather than in real life that's because most of my conversations in real life are with people I'm related to - I suspect if I worked out which adults I spend the most time actually talking to the postman would easily feature in the top 10 (and that isn't hyperbole for comic purposes...just the truth for comic purposes)).  However, others actually prefer to be called/have their children called 'autistic' rather than using the phrase 'has autism/ASD' because it is a part of them and not something to be ashamed of.

That doesn't even touch on the controversy surrounding terms like 'high functioning', which some people find useful and others find pretty offensive because the opposite of 'low functioning' has such negative connotations.  Also, 'high functioning' suggests the child is not overly affected by ASD when actually a child who is very capable in terms of language, academic ability etc. can still be hugely negatively impacted by ASD and struggle daily.  'Asperger's' is no longer used as a diagnosis in the US and its use is inconsistent in the UK.

I have even recently learned some people resent the term 'ASD traits'.

Confused yet?  I am and I think I know more about the subject than your average person.  I'm afraid of offending when it comes to discussing ASD.  I'm afraid these blog posts often have scope to offend...which makes me think I should go easier on those who unwittingly offend me.  You know what, don't poo yourself!

Am I Autistic?

My family have joked about getting my mum a t-shirt with the words 'I See Autistic People' printed on it.  You know, like the whole 'I see dead people' thing in The Sixth Sense?  I don't know how popular that film is these days - does that reference need to be explained or is it still obvious?  I'm not really good at keeping up with popular culture.  You know what: I feel like that film gets a bad rap these days.  I still like it.

Nineties Bruce Willis films aside, after my sister received her diagnosis my mum started to analyse everyone she knew for signs of ASD.  It's not uncommon.  I find myself doing the same these days and I'm sure other people do it too.  There are people like my dad who - once you know about ASD - are obviously autistic (I don't think he'll mind me pointing it out).  Back when he was a child they didn't diagnose such high functioning individuals so he has no official diagnosis but there is no question about it: my dad is as autistic as my sister.  However, there are also a lot of people - especially in my immediate family - who have a lot of autistic traits but not enough or not intensely enough to actually be on the spectrum.  Or far enough along the spectrum.  I'm not sure if the spectrum starts at 'neurotypical' and goes all the way along to severely autistic or if the spectrum only starts at the 'just about autistic'/Asperger's point.  Maybe I should look into that.

My mum has pointed out some of my ASD traits, as has the Wolf, and I've noticed others on my own.  I thought it might be worth sharing some of them.  I'll start by introducing you to the sort of...oddness I displayed at the age of four (imagine the Wayne's World style wibbly wobbly effects as I take you into a flashback if you like).  When I started school my mum was concerned about her daughter fitting in and asked me who I played with at break time.  I told her I didn't play with anyone, I just sat on the wall and ate my apple by myself.  Poor Mum was distressed by the thought of me having been bullied or shunned but it turned out I chose to distance myself from the other kids at this time every day because you can't eat an apple whilst you're running around and apparently those other children were 'silly'.  Yes, at the age of four I thought other children wanting to run around and play at a time that was clearly better suited to sitting and eating a healthy snack was 'silly'.

Want to know another adorable, not-at-all-creepy thing I did as a child of a similar age?  I'd go up to strangers - mostly little old ladies - at the meat counter in the supermarket and say, 'You shouldn't eat dead animals!'  Oh yeah, I'm vegetarian.  In case that hadn't come up before.  That's kind of important to the whole anecdote...maybe I should have mentioned it first.  Anyway, I have no idea where Tyger got his social inappropriateness from...

Oh, and the reason I had an apple at break every day was because the school had a 'fruit only' policy on break time snacks and apples were pretty much the only fruit I'd eat.  Sooo, I might moan a lot about Tyger's fussiness with food but I'm not the easiest person to cater for, myself.  I'm a vegetarian who doesn't like onions, tomatoes, peppers, aubergines or leeks (and that's just the beginning).  Considering most restaurants seem to think people only become vegetarian for the love of these particular foods, eating out is difficult.  There's a mix of taste and texture issues, I'm sure.  I haven't really given much thought as to why I don't like certain foods, I just try to avoid them as much as I can, but I'm pretty sure it all counts as a sensory problem.

Another sensory issue I have is sensitivity to sound.  I don't mind having reasonably loud music on if I'm not talking to anyone or doing anything more than perhaps reading or messing around on the internet (basically, my 'hobbies' pre-kids).  But as soon as someone tries to speak to me I want all background noise to be way, way down.  The Wolf used to put a film or something on the TV whilst also playing on the computer and then would also talk to me and I wanted to shout at him, 'What are you doing, you maniac??  Why are you assaulting our ears like this?'  And after a film finishes when you're at home, why doesn't everyone immediately turn down - or preferably mute - the sound once the credits start?  It's like a physical presence.  Don't get me started on the hell that is the sound of someone sweeping concrete!  Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.  And as for speaking on the phone...well...

I hate making phonecalls.  Hate, hate, hate it.  And if I do have to - you guessed it - I don't like to have any background noise.  It's to much; I can't cope.  Why do I hate making phonecalls?  A bit like the whole food thing, I don't tend to think about the why but here goes.  I don't like talking to people when I can't see their expressions and body language; I don't like the fact that most phonecalls come with some sort of expectation (even if it's just knowing when I'm available for an appointment); I don't like the fact I might not be able to understand what the person's saying due to a bad connection, someone talking to quietly or quickly, accent etc., I don't like the fact they might ask me something I don't know the answer to.  It's mostly just not being able to see them.  I don't know why that makes such a big difference but it does.  And everyone having mobile phones has just made it so much worse.

I get social anxiety when I see people face to face as well, though not anywhere near as bad and generally for different reasons.  I obsess over whether I've said something offensive or inappropriate.  I'm constantly worried I've upset or offended pretty much everyone I ever have contact with, actually.  'Oh, Christ, when I asked how their day has been did it seem like I was being nosy?  When they asked if I'd like a cup of tea were they actually just being polite and were pissed off when I said 'yes'?  What if they were upset when I complimented them on their hair because it sounded like I normally think it looks shit??'  Even in my relatively reclusive existence there are plenty of these moments a week (or day...).

And talking of being obsessive...I get obsessed with all sorts.  There are the obvious things like TV shows, films, books, music but luckily, the Wolf - who is almost certainly further along the spectrum than I am - is also pretty obsessive so we often get obsessed together.  But then I also get obsessed with certain foods and will eat the same thing repeatedly.  Or I'll get obsessed with a topic and google the frak out of it for several days (at university I once looked after a friend's pet rats for a while when she was away and at the time I was an expert on rats because I looked up every single fact I could find about them before taking on that responsibility).

I also have some physical habits/ticks/whatever.  It seems I wipe my hands on my shoulders (the same shoulder so left hand on left shoulder and right on right).  I didn't know I did this until one day at high school I commented on the unusual level of crumbs I seemed to get on my shoulders and a friend explained why.  I absent-mindedly scratch the back of my neck to the point where it becomes scabby.  I also have a habit of pushing my fingers and thumbs back away from the nails because otherwise they feel sort of uncomfortable.  I thought this was a normal thing until I mentioned it to my mum once...it's apparently not normal.  I assume the fact I sometimes lick the tips of my fingers first for a better grip when doing it is even less normal (I understand fully if you no longer feel comfortable reading my blog, knowing how odd I actually am).

This is the tip of the iceberg.  No doubt - if my mum or the Wolf read this - I'll be asked why I haven't included the fact I have to have the eggs laid out symmetrically in the egg box and am more likely to buy eggs in boxes of 15 to more easily facilitate this, or the fact I often talk too loudly (especially on the dreaded phone), or how I'm really particular about clothing because I find so much of it uncomfortable, and so on.  I have quite a lot of ASD traits, is what I'm getting at.

So, you're probably thinking, 'but I get obsessed with my favourite TV show,' or, 'yeah, loads of people hate certain sounds,' or, 'I know some fussy eaters.'  And that's kind of the point of this blog post.  It's why it's so hard to answer the question, 'Why do you think Tyger is autistic?'  Every trait I mention could apply to loads of neurotypical people.  It's the sheer number of them, the extent of them and - probably most importantly - how much they affect day to day life that makes it ASD rather than a few quirks like everyone has.  My noise sensitivity means I get a bit irritated sometimes and I find it hard to focus when I'm in crowds.  I don't get so overloaded I can't move or I start screaming or sobbing or rocking.  My food fussiness means I have to be extra nice to restaurant staff so they're more likely to agree to modify a meal for me.  It doesn't mean I only have five foods I'll eat every day and I'll go into meltdown because two foods on my plate touch (though, I'd rather they didn't.  Come on, who wants their beans to touch their mushrooms??) or that I'll only eat pasta not only plain but also dried with kitchen roll so it's not too 'wet'.  My obsessions can be controlled - they don't control me.

Am I autistic?  No.  I have many traits but I have seen how ASD affects someone who has it and I am nowhere near that.  I can empathise to an extent but I have not lived it.