Tyger Has a Diagnosis

It's arrived.  I expected the envelope to contain the report from Tyger's last appointment and perhaps even an appointment for the next step.  It did contain the report and...an official diagnosis!

So, I can formally say - though, I have been informally saying it for about a year now - Tyger has 'High functioning autistic spectrum disorder', which is basically Asperger's (they just don't tend to use the term anymore).  In fact, the child psychologist herself referred to it as Asperger's both in the appointment and in her written report.  I only mention this because I think a lot of people have a better idea of what is meant by 'Asperger's Syndrome' than 'high functioning ASD' (not to mention the controversy surrounding the use of the phrase 'high functioning').

However, as much as the term 'Asperger's' is helpful in some ways, there are some misconceptions (okay, loads of misconceptions) about what it means to be an Aspie so I thought I'd address some of those.

Firstly, no Tyger does not have a 'special ability'.  I think Rain Man is probably largely responsible for the belief that all Aspies are also savants.  They're not.  Sadly, Tyger is not likely to earn large sums of money through counting cards or drawing amazingly accurate pictures from memory.  He can't glance at a group of objects and tell you immediately how many there are (unless there are three because before he's actually counted anything he will always tell you there are three...I'm not convinced that counts as a special ability, though).

I already covered this second point in my blog post last week but it's worth reiterating: it is a myth that autistic people don't feel empathy.  In fact, there's good reason to believe people with ASD often feel empathy far more keenly than their neurotypical counterparts to the point where they are completely overwhelmed by it and incapable of action.  They also often don't know the socially acceptable way of showing said empathy.  These problems mean - to the casual observer - they may seem indifferent to someone else's suffering but the truth is they may be so affected they are struck by an inability to do anything about it.  We have our own example of this in our house.  One time my sisters were playing on a water slide in the garden when my parents were out.  My youngest sister badly hurt her leg (think: lots of blood and tears).  So, my Aspie sister reacted by...leaving Youngest Sister out there to cry and going inside for a shower.  She has since explained that she didn't know what to do and apparently she has her best ideas in the shower so this seemed to be the most sensible solution.  The epiphany she had in the shower was to make ice cream floats.  I'm not sure how much this helped Youngest Sister's leg but I guess it distracted her.  It wasn't callousness that sent Aspie Sister running to the shower instead of helping and comforting Youngest Sister, it was simply the helplessness she felt when confronted with this entirely new scenario.  She wasn't equipped to deal with it but I can assure you she's an empathetic person.

The third one is probably one I've covered before, too.  It is absolutely not true that autistic people always prefer their own company and don't want friends.  I mention this as something my mum was told by a fracking doctor, who should know better.  When my mum first took Aspie Sister to the GP with her concerns the GP told her 'the good news' was it wasn't autism because my sister 'wanted friends'.  Any time my sister sees that GP now my mum always mentions her ASD diagnosis very pointedly.  ASD is a social and communication disorder.  Aspies do struggle with social situations and communicating in a socially acceptable way.  Because of this they may find it hard to make or keep friends but that doesn't mean they don't want any!  I struggle to do lots of things.  Hey, I find writing most of these blog posts hard; obviously that means I don't want to write a blog...right?

Fourthly and finally I'm just going to straight up steal a great saying I've seen floating around the internet.  If you know one person with autism; you know one person with autism.  It's a big smegging spectrum and even aside from all the autistic traits varying from one person with ASD to the next, their personalities also vary.  You know, just like how everyone else's personalities vary?  If your neighbour's cousin's autistic friend once had a meltdown because you put the milk in their tea before the water (although, why anyone would do that in the first place is completely beyond me but I guess this post is all about accepting that people are wrong different) that doesn't mean the next autistic person you meet will even like tea, let alone get worked up by how it's made.

I hear some of them even drink coffee.

Anyway, back to Tyger's diagnosis.  How do I feel about it?  I've wondered for a year now how I'd react to finally getting that letter.  Would I feel relief that it's been recognised and he'll find it easier to access the support he might need in the future?  Would I feel vindicated?  Would I feel upset despite already knowing he had ASD?

Actually, I don't feel much.  Perhaps the numbness will wear off at some point but I suspect it's more the fact I've come to realise a diagnosis isn't the end point I once thought it was.  Okay, so Tyger is officially autistic now: that doesn't change his daily struggles (or mine).  He was already autistic before we got the letter through and he won't stop being autistic now.  I'm glad he has the diagnosis because it may make a difference at some future point but life isn't a film with a nice neat conclusion.  I want to say the wheel never stops turning but it doesn't seem appropriate to start throwing in Firefly references so I think I'll stop here...



...That only matters to the people on the rim.

Sorry.

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Those Photos

I kept changing my mind about what I was going to write today.  I have a half written blog post I was considering going back to but there's something that has been so much on my mind I couldn't not mention it, though I'm still not sure where this blog post is going.

Those photos.

That poor little boy who drowned when his desperate family fled Syria.

I don't know about outside of the UK but certainly if you live here in the UK you must have seen the heartbreaking photos of that dead child.  They have flooded my Facebook feed.  The Wolf shared one of the front covers with the picture and commented about how that could be Baby Bear (I always denied becoming a parent would change the way I see the world but it does, it really does - the stab of grief you feel at these sorts of events is so much more intense when you imagine it's your own child).

The thought of one of them floating lifeless in the water is the stuff of nightmares.

Literally.

It was the most terrifying dream I've ever had.

Many people applauded the photos.  They have made a difference to public opinion on the refugee crisis (I refuse to use the utterly misleading and loaded term 'migrant crisis').  David Cameron - that empathy vacuum of a Prime Minister - has been forced to act despite clearly thinking these refugees were simply lacking in forward planning when they were born in a country that was to become terrifying and war-torn, rather than ensuring they were born to rich toffs in good old Blighty like Cameron and his chums.  But, thanks to those photos the plebs are getting worked up over a 'crisis of humanity' so they must be appeased.

I think it's interesting to contrast the reaction to these photos with the reaction to the photos (and videos) used online, in news broadcasts and on front pages of newspapers after the murders of Alison Parker and Adam Ward.  Many people were outraged by the stills of the victims taken from the video the gunman took and were still more upset by the video (or parts of it) being shown on the news and even auto playing on Facebook.

The different reactions highlight - for me - the dichotomy of the media (and the internet).  Both the photos of the drowned refugee child and the photos and videos of the shooting were shocking and upsetting.  The difference, of course, was in the effect.  The refugee crisis is ongoing.  It's something people can help with now.  The heart-wrenching pictures of that little boy made a difference and helped people realise what's at stake and what needs to be done.  There was a good reason to shock people.  The coverage of the shootings, on the other hand, shocked without purpose.  People are already well aware of the issue of gun control in the US.  Showing these images made no difference but simply needlessly upset many people.  On top of that, splashing pictures of the victims around looking terrified and knowing they were about to die seemed incredibly disrespectful to the families of said victims and the less said about the video the better.

The media and - more and more relevantly - the internet can be a powerfully good force.  It can also be massively destructive.  The thought of having to navigate that terrain with the cubs as they get older is exciting and scary in equal measure.  They will have access to all sorts of knowledge and experiences my parents didn't and I didn't even have...both good and bad.

There is a myth that autistic people don't feel empathy.  People are gradually starting to recognise the truth: people with ASD often feel empathy far more keenly than their neurotypical counterparts.  In a previous blog post I already mentioned Tyger's response to Elsa and Anna's parents drowning in Frozen.  He clearly put himself entirely into the position of Anna and Elsa and felt keenly their loss.  Recently Tyger was watching some videos on YouTube (YouTube is a friend to many an ASD parent).  I went to the toilet and when I got back Tyger had tears rolling down his cheeks.

I panicked.  What was he watching?  I hadn't been supervising his viewing content and he obviously had something totally inappropriate playing!  How much would this scar him?  What was it??

It was a video of someone playing a Dora the Explorer game where the player has to administer some basic medical care to a mildly sick and injured Dora.  I asked Tyger what the matter was and he started to recount how he had hurt his leg (he hadn't done anything to his leg but Dora needed a plaster - band aid for any Americans reading - on her leg).  He empathised with a fictional character having a minor injury so much it made him cry.

So, the photos of that boy left me thinking, 'that could be one of the cubs.'  But it also left me thinking, 'soon the cubs will start to see and understand photos like that.'  How much should be kept from them?  How will they cope with news stories and with photos and content they'll come across on the internet?  I don't want to shelter them from reality; it's something they'll have to deal with regardless and it's better they are in some way prepared.  And, as the refugee crisis has shown, it's important for people to face the brutality and tragedy of the world in order to understand and offer help.  But I don't want to overwhelm them either and there will also always be needlessly upsetting things out there like the way the Bryce Williams news story was covered.

It's not an immediate concern but one day I'll have to face it.

On a lighter note, I was right with my last blog post I'm Not Crying...No, Really! in that I didn't cry on Tyger's first day of preschool.  For anyone who didn't read the Facebook update, Tyger - on the other hand - did cry.  However, he didn't cry when I left him there but when I came to pick him up!  He's also desperate to go back.


For those who wish to help with the refugee situation you can donate to MOAS (Migrant Offshore Aid Station) here and The Independent has a lot of links listing ways you can help here.

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