Am I Being Paranoid?

I write a lot about Tyger and less about Baby Bear.  I have written in a previous blog post here about the fact I'm not a baby person.  Generally toddlers/preschoolers are better sources of amusing anecdotes than babies, too.  I may like to talk at length about how my baby has learned to clap or about explosive nappy incidents but I am aware of the fact these conversations are boring and/or disgusting for other people.  An account of a conversation with Tyger about how outraged he is his hot cross bun isn't hot will always be funnier than an account of how Baby Bear can give high fives.  Plus, although I didn't plan it as such, this blog is largely about ASD and Baby Bear isn't autistic...is he?

Prepare to hear - or read, I guess - more about Baby Bear over the coming months/years/however long I carry on this whole blog thing.  'Baby' Bear is technically not a baby anymore and he can walk and climb and did I tell you he can clap and give high fives?  And with his growing abilities is coming a growing suspicion of mine.  Is my little bear cub actually more of a tiger cub?  Does Baby Bear, in fact, have ASD?

With Tyger, it really wasn't something I'd ever considered until after he'd turned two and I was actually talking to my mum about someone else's suspicion their child had Asperger's.  My mum's advice was to make a note of all traits he displayed because if they tried to get a diagnosis later on it would be incredibly useful to have this stuff written down (instead of trying to remember whether their child walked on tip-toes as a toddler or pointed to things to draw attention to them at a year old).  I - half jokingly - said I should make a note of any traits Tyger had since ASD runs in the family just in case.  I started writing them down - assuming I'd manage three or four bullet points - and several pages later I was still going.

This time is very different.  I've been on the look out since around the time I suddenly realised Tyger has ASD.  Baby Bear was probably about six months old.  To start with I was pointing out all their differences and how he couldn't be autistic.  'Tyger used to look out the window when he was getting his nappy changed but Bear loves giving lots of eye contact.'  'Bear is always on the look-out for faces like a normal baby.'  'Bear is a much jollier baby than Tyger ever was - is this what it's like to have a neurotypical child?'

Was it some sort of vain hope that he wouldn't be autistic?  Or was it simply that humans are good at noticing differences so the differences between the two boys stood out and overshadowed any similarities?  Not that them being different even precludes them both having ASD.  It is, after all, a spectrum and no two autistic people have the exact same traits or personalities.

It was Bear's reaction to food that first kindled my suspicion.  We started off doing 'Baby Led Weaning' with him, which basically means we shoved normal food on his highchair tray and let him get on with it rather than the purees and spoon feeding we did with Tyger.  And that was fine.  Messy but he seemed to do quite well with it.  Sort of.  The problem was Bear was really funny about certain textures.  Every item of food placed on his tray had to pass the prod test.  He bunched his fingers up together - kind of like if you pretend to hold a pencil so all the tips are together - and then he'd prod at the food.  If the texture was wrong it was unceremoniously flung to the floor without ever going near his mouth.  Anything even slightly slimy was discarded (banana, mushrooms, pasta).  If it was in anyway rubbery (boiled egg, certain cheeses etc.) that was also entirely unacceptable.  Foods with sauce were - literally - off the table.  But, hey, part of weaning a baby onto food is getting them used to new textures, right?  Except, it meant he didn't even try a large percentage of the food we offered him because he couldn't bear to touch it.  So...after persevering for a while I gave up on the whole 'Bably Led Weaning' thing and started spoon feeding him any foods he wouldn't touch.  Ah well, parenting is all about figuring out what works for your child so that's okay...isn't it?

He also did the prodding thing with toys and anything he came across.  Texture has always been very important to him.  These days he prods things with one finger instead of his strange pencil grip.

Then there's the sleep and stomach business.  Sleep is often a huge issue for people with ASD and children all the more so.  There are kids with ASD who only sleep for two hours a night (which is one of the many reasons you should be extra nice to parents of ASD kids - there's a good chance they've had less sleep in the last month than you've had in the last week).  I'm relatively lucky with Tyger.  He has sleep issues.  He especially hates the transition between sleep and being awake so will start kicking his legs and fidgeting around when he feels his eyes getting heavy to fend off the inevitable.  Every time.  As if, after hundreds of times of it not working, if he just tries hard enough this time he'll manage never to fall asleep again.  Then, at the other end, he also struggles because waking up is another transition.  Tyger napping is a rare and mixed blessing because he cries and cries and cries upon waking.

Hang on, this post was supposed to be about Bear, not Tyger.  Okay.  So, I have written about Bear's sleep issues before.  It is finally getting better.  I was assured by many people his sleep would likely settle down after those first few growth spurts as a baby...it didn't.  Then, I was told he'd almost certainly start sleeping through when he started on solids...he didn't.  So, everyone consoled me with the fact he'd be tired out once he was crawling...he wasn't.  But, those people who said he just might start actually sleeping more than a couple of hours at a time once he was walking...were thankfully right!  He now tends to sleep 8pm-6am.  And it's fracking wonderful.  But all those sleep issues...well, like I said, sleep is often a problem for those with ASD.  And a lot of the sleep problems he had seemed to be linked to stomach problems and...yeah, you guessed it, stomach problems are also very common in people with ASD.

But lots of babies have sleep issues.  Just go onto any parenting forum and look at how active the sub-forum for sleep is (and there will be one) to confirm that.  Or check Facebook to see how many parents write updates along the lines of, 'Whoever came up with the phrase 'sleeps like a baby' obviously didn't have a baby!'  (Or some 'real world' example.  Perhaps I spend too much time on the internet.)  So, poor sleeping habits doesn't necessarily point to autism...

Then, there's the shoes.  I went to get Baby Bear his first pair of shoes at the beginning of the week.  He's walking confidently now so it seemed the time.  I also needed to get Tyger some canvas shoes because he has taken against his sandals and thick leather shoes seem a little inappropriate for the hot weather we've had (though, since he likes to put on his wellies in any weather and run outside in them - and only them because he doesn't do clothes when we're at home - clothes and leather shoes are an improvement, I suppose).  I must say, we were very lucky to be served by a lovely sales assistant who managed to find me shoes on sale for Bear (£10 instead of the usual £30-something) and was very patient and nice with Tyger even when he was running riot taking shoes several sizes too big for him off the pegs and trying them on.  The fact Shoe Shop Guy was approving of Tyger having long hair, wearing nail varnish and showing an interest in shoes with hearts on despite the shocking fact he's a boy and that the guy enthusiastically told me how nice it was to spend time with such a bright little boy made him my favourite person of the day.  If we hadn't been in such a rush to wolf down some lunch before a hospital appointment I would have found the store manager and praised Shoe Shop Guy to them.  (Maybe I should phone the store and do it anyway.  Except it's been like a week now and I'm crap at remembering what people look like and didn't take a note of the guy's name so the call would consist of me saying, 'So, there was this young man working in the children's department of your shop on Monday and I just wanted to let you know how helpful and nice he was.  I don't really remember much about him except he was very friendly and complimented my children so if there's someone in the store who fits that description...it's probably him.'  Hmm...it might be a little weird and awkward and I hate speaking to people on the phone anyway...)

Anyway, Baby Bear did not like having his feet measured at all.  I don't know if it was the stranger touching him thing or the sensation on his feet or both but he was unimpressed.  That was nothing compared to actually trying to get shoes on his feet, though.  Unfortunately for Bear, he takes after me in that he has very wide feet with a very high instep.  Couple this with the fact he's a pretty chubby little guy and his feet are practically the same width, height and length.  This makes finding shoes to fit difficult and once poor Shoe Shop Guy found shoes in the right size Bear was not about to make things easy for him.  He scrunched his toes up so his feet were like two balls and pulled his leg away every time it looked like Shoe Shop Guy might actually have managed to squish Bear's feet into the shoes.  Once the shoes were finally on, Bear refused to stand in them, let alone walk.  In fact, it took a couple of days before he started walking in them and he still often sits down and pulls at them in a disgruntled way.

But it's pretty common for babies and toddlers to dislike shoes.  All of these things are normal in toddlers and - as I pointed out at length in this blog - everyone has some autistic traits.  Then again, it's the very fact everyone has some traits that can make figuring out whether a kid has autism so hard.

And there's more.  Bear likes banging the back of his head off doors/walls/his highchair, shaking his head vigorously, pouring water all over the place.  He gets really angry and throws huge tantrums when he doesn't get his way (like little-rage-monster angry not a-bit-of-screaming-and-crying angry).  He echoes things - the general tone and sound of things people say - even though he can barely say any words.  He is sensitive to noise.  The list goes on.

He also has a cuddly toy dog we call Fergus, which he has to have when he goes to sleep, grabs when you take him out of the cot, clings to in the car and generally seems pretty taken with.  They've stopped selling the dogs in the shop it's from but I bought one off eBay this week so we have a replacement just in case.  I know, I know, loads of kids have a favourite toy.  But the only one I've actually known who's had one to this extent this young is my sister.  Yeah, the sister with Asperger's.  So, it's just another little tiny possible trait...plus it gives me the chance to post this photo:

Can you tell which is the manky old one well-loved one?

There's nothing definitive and nothing I'd have picked up on at all if it wasn't for Tyger so maybe I'm being paranoid.  Or maybe not.  I don't know.  My gut says I have two little aspies but I'm by no means sure.  I know Tyger has ASD.  Regardless of how long it might take to get an official diagnosis I'm as sure of it as I am sure he's my son.  I am not so sure with Bear.  I accept I may be seeing autism where there isn't any, like people who see Jesus' face in food, but I'll keep an eye on it.  Maybe my list of a few bullet points will grow to six or seven pages like Tyger's...or maybe not.  Watch this space.

Am I Labelling My Son?

A couple of conversations I've had recently have made me consider the issue of whether seeking a diagnosis in young children for things like ASD, ADHD, ADD etc. is 'labelling' them and should be avoided if possible.

I think parents worry because there's still such social stigma surrounding autism (I'll talk about this in terms of ASD just because that's what Tyger is being assessed for but it could easily apply to other disorders) and they don't want their kids to be pre-judged.  From my extensive research (by which I mean browsing on parenting forums and reading blogs) I'm guessing there are three types of judgement they're worried about.

Firstly, there's the 'Maybe we won't invite the autistic kid to little Jimmy's birthday party in case he flips out and brains one of the other kid's heads on the slide because that's the sort of thing they do - even though I know they can't help it, bless them - and I also hear they multiply when you get them wet so best not to bother' brand.  Basic ignorance.  Not necessarily malicious but obviously damaging all the same and when it's your kid not getting invited to parties even though you know fine well he's never smacked another kid's head off a slide, I imagine it's heartbreaking.

Secondly, I'm sure parents are worried about other children and how they might treat a kid diagnosed with autism.  Kids pick on each other because they wear glasses, are overweight, have the wrong clothes etc. so why add a shit load of fuel to that already potential bonfire?

Thirdly, there's the king of moron who thinks (or if they're incredibly rude morons - which is a common subset of moron - actually says) something about how diagnoses of autism has risen along with a decline in discipline and nine times out of ten supposed 'autism' is just an excuse for bad parenting.  I won't bother explaining why that's a really stupid and uneducated viewpoint to have because that's a blog for another day and if you have that particular opinion: 1) there's plenty of articles and other people's blogs on the subject on Google, 2) you're probably not open to changing your mind because of pesky 'facts' anyway and 3) why the hell are you reading my blog?  Frack off.

The thing is: getting a diagnosis doesn't make your child autistic.  Sometimes it seems like parents of undiagnosed kids think of them as Schrodinger's Aspie; like until an actual diagnosis they both are and are not autistic.  The truth is if they have ASD, they have it whether or not they actually get diagnosed.  I could decide not to get a diagnosis for Tyger in case it affects the way people see him but he'll still obsess over hoovers to the point where he cries when a hoover advert comes on TV because he 'needs' it (yes, that happened), he'd still give any stranger who walked in the house a hug (whilst naked) and scream when they left because they're his 'best friend', he'd still refuse to eat any food with blemishes, he'd still start up a long wail to drown out other noises he doesn't like, he'd still want plain spaghetti for every meal every day...and people notice these things.  He doesn't have a diagnosis but that doesn't change his behaviour and without an explanation they may write him off as 'weird' or 'naughty'.

And I think the same goes for other children.  Children are not stupid.  They recognise when someone is 'other' and, yes, unfortunately that someone is often punished for it.  But children also aren't necessarily cruel - as much as the saying indicates otherwise - and whilst some will pick on the 'weak' they will do that whether a child has a diagnosis or not and a diagnosis might just make some of the kinder kids more understanding and sympathetic.

That covers other people but I'd guess parents also worry about what the kid will make of it and whether it will make them feel ashamed or upset to know they're autistic.  My sister was a teenager when she was diagnosed with Asperger's so she fully understood having it made her 'different' and may open her up to a load of bigotry and ignorance from other people.  She was - and still is - at an age when social acceptance is a top priority for most people.  But far from being upset by the diagnosis, she was relieved.  She's a smart girl: she already knew she was different to most other people and she found it baffling.  All the diagnosis did was explain why she was different; why she was obsessive and anxious and struggled in social settings.  It also - importantly - meant she received a whole new level of support at school.

I have experienced something similar, if not as pronounced.  I'm not on the spectrum (at least not far enough along it to be diagnosed) but I do suffer from depression.  It's not the same thing but it is afflicted with a lot of the same social stigmas and misunderstandings as ASD.  When I was actually diagnosed with depression I was incredibly relieved.  Relieved because it turned out there was a reason for the way I felt other than because I was the human equivalent of Marvin the paranoid android and it wasn't my fault.  I know one of the big differences between depression and ASD is depression can be treated whereas - as yet - there is no treatment for ASD but there is at least support available (especially for the school years) and simply understanding there is a reason you are the way you are is pretty powerful on its own.

Some people favour the 'wait and see' approach to diagnosis.  If the suspected disorder isn't a current problem or it's at least being managed at the moment they don't see the point in going through the - admittedly often long - diagnostic procedure when it won't actually change anything.  I get that.  And I get that not pursuing a diagnosis isn't the same as not doing anything to support a child's needs.  I guess, after watching my sister go through most of her schooling without anyone realising she was autistic, I'd rather be proactive.  Right now a diagnosis would change nothing for Tyger and even once he goes to preschool after the summer it's unlikely to change anything.  But once he starts at school he may need extra support and that support may only be gotten if he has a diagnosis.  It seems inevitable to me he'll struggle at some point and I want to have already done as much as I can before then so any help he needs can be accessed as soon as possible rather than having to wait for months - or even years - before we even get to the point of discussing what extra support can be put in place.

And nobody needs to know.  There is no onus on a parent (or the child) to tell other parents or friends or family members or strangers in the supermarket about the ASD.  But if you decide things will be easier for your child if certain people do know, that option is still there.  And it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  I'm not about to write a Disney song all about accepting yourself for who you are or anything but if you suspected your child was short-sighted you wouldn't avoid getting it looked at just because wearing glasses might get the child teased.  ASD will continue to be viewed as something to be ashamed of if we continue to act like it is.

Starting the Diagnostic Journey...and the Yellow Toaster

Tyger had his first appointment in the long road that is ASD diagnosis at the hospital on Monday.

Of course he was up for two hours in the middle of the night on Sunday because it's an unwritten baby and toddler rule that they must allow you as little sleep as possible for days when you want to be alert and well-rested.

Despite the usual stress of trying to leave the house with Tyger and Baby Bear, plus the added stress of finalising and printing the six page document I'd made about Tyger (no, really), we were in the car and ready to go on time.  Mum drove us there and the traffic wasn't too bad at all considering the time of day (morning rush hour).  It was smooth sailing - or driving - right up until the roundabout practically next to the hospital, where the traffic slowed down considerably.  Have I ever mentioned Tyger gets car sick?  Well, Tyger gets car sick.  Badly.  He tends to get sick about 20 minutes into journeys...the hospital is about 20 minutes away.  All I'll say is it was very unfortunate we got stuck at that roundabout.  Very unfortunate.

We made it to the children's ward with Tyger in a change of clothes and as much of the sick cleaned out of his hair as I could manage with baby wipes (in the glamourous world of motherhood you get used to that sort of thing along with having small people spit things they don't like out into your hand, wipe their runny noses on your clothes, leave bits of fruit and cheese hidden away under sofas/in toy kitchens for you to come across at a (sometimes much) later date - the sick in the hair thing wasn't that bad, really).  Tyger immediately tried to play with a small boy who looked terrified and - with his mother - backed away to the seats.  Tyger tried to follow so I ushered him over to the toy corner away from the poor kid.  Knowing why Tyger was at the hospital meant I was more sensitive than usual as to why other kids might be there and I felt if the poor boy wasn't comfortable with a child he'd never met enthusiastically forcing friendship on him it was important I let him have his space.  The distraction technique worked a little too well, though, and when the nurse came to weigh and measure Tyger he did not want to leave the trucks and cars he'd found in amongst the toys.

Normally, when we're out somewhere, I'm anxious about how Tyger will react and behave.  There's always the worry he'll suddenly start screaming and kicking, that he'll break things or run off, that he'll throw himself on the ground and shout, that he'll try to hurt someone else or himself.  I think it's a worry many parents of children on the spectrum face but the one time they want their child to exhibit these behaviours is when they're being assessed by the professionals.  So, the fact Tyger got angry and upset over being taken away from the toys, the fact he'd been up for two hours during the night and the fact he'd been violently sick - several times - on the way to the hospital were not exactly unwelcome.  The nurse was obviously used to dealing with small children.  We managed - pretty much - to weigh him but she said measuring his height wasn't worth the distress and he could go back to the toys.

However, when the paediatrician called us in Tyger didn't make much of a fuss because the assessment took place in a room he'd already been trying to get in (and the fact the doctor told him he could take a tractor from the toy section helped).  He was thrilled to realise there was a Thomas the Tank Engine wall sticker on the back of the door.  I was thrilled to realise I'd be sitting with my left side towards the paediatrician so she wouldn't see the volcano sized spot on my right cheek.  We have different priorities.

I won't say Tyger was as good as gold.  For one thing, I doubt you could say that about any toddler.  For another...I don't get the simile.  Surely the 'good' we're talking about is in reference to good behaviour.  Gold - being, you know, inanimate and all - doesn't behave in any way.  So, is the comparison to gold being 'good' in the sense it being valuable?  I don't really think the two are alike at all.  Is the phrase simply so popular because of its alliterative quality??  Should we start saying 'as tired as a teapot' and 'as skinny as the sky'?  They both have alliteration going for them and make about as much sense as 'as good as gold'.  I guess I could search it and would probably find out I'm completely missing the point and it does make sense but I feel I've already spent entirely too much time on this already.

Anyway, I have been told it's common for autistic children to decide the one time they'll be on their best behaviour is when they're being assessed.  I also know Tyger tends to love going to new places and meeting new people so despite the lack of sleep, the roundabout incident and his normal behaviour I anticipated him being more genial than usual.  He is still Tyger, though, and the paediatrician did note a few moments of...non-compliance.  He was happy to build a tower with building blocks when she asked him but when she wanted him to try to make a bridge he insisted on lining all the blocks up and making a 'train'.  She tried again...and again.  She tried taking away most of the blocks so he only had the three she wanted him to use and showed him several times how to make a bridge.  He would not make a bridge.  He also refused point-blank to jump when asked.  She even tried tricking him by moving on to other things he was willing to do and then coming back to the jumping and it almost worked but he caught himself just as he bent his legs.  I don't know why this was a sticking point for him.  He was happily jumping along to a song this morning but once he decides he's not doing something it's just not going to happen.

So, the paediatrician and I discussed Tyger in depth.  She was very impressed by my six pages listing all his traits and behaviours (lists FTW - do people say that anymore?  I feel very out of touch, not helped by the fact I asked my 14 year old sister what she meant by 'shipping' recently to be told rather witheringly that 'it's an internet thing') and said it would be a great help to her when she came to write the report.  Whether she meant that or viewed me like that annoying kid in class who actually puts their hand up when asked 'any questions?', I don't know.  I'll tell myself she was being genuine.  The doctor got Tyger to perform various tasks and gave him a physical and he played with the toys whilst we were talking.  There were cars, a Thomas toy, a plane and loads of things he's interested in...so, of course, the one thing he seemed particularly taken with was a yellow toy toaster.  There was no bread to go in the toaster.  In fact, most of the food from the toy kitchen seemed to be missing.  But he loved the toaster all the same and asked - more than once - if he could take it home.  He made the paediatrician and I toast and bagels.  He has also told me several times since that he needs to go back to the doctor to see the yellow toaster.  So, guess who's got a toy toaster sitting in my bedroom ready for his birthday next month?  No doubt, he won't care by then.

We discussed the next steps and the paediatrician agreed there was definitely enough evidence to go ahead with a full assessment.  He'll see two more health care professionals (one is the child psychologist - we already have the appointment through though it's not until July - and the other is likely to be with a speech and language therapist) and then all three of them will discuss their findings and decide on whether to give him a diagnosis.  She said it's rare for a child under four to be given a diagnosis and it's more likely - if they decide he does have ASD traits -  they'll review it again in a year or two, which is fine.  I understand they have to be thorough.  It's hard with toddlers because so many normal toddler behaviours are similar to ASD traits and it might not be clear whether any given behaviour is connected to autism until they're older and you can see whether they grew out of it.

For now we'll go to the appointments, I'll see if it's easier to get travel sickness tablets for Tyger when he turns three and I'll keep you posted on how much he likes his toy toaster.  It even comes with toy toast!

Children Make Liars of Us

If you don't have any kids, I'm sure you at least have a vague idea of some of the things you would/wouldn't do if you did have kids.  You know, like:

'I would never let my child make that sort of racket in a restaurant!'

'I'd never let my child sleep in my bed!'

'If I had children, I wouldn't let them watch cartoons before they're three.'

'Why do parents give kids under two chocolate?  There's no need.  My kids won't be having anything like that until they're teenagers.'

'When I take my kids to Sci Fi conventions, I'll make sure their costumes are more accurate than that!'

You'll have had some sort of thought along these lines at some point.

Now, I'm certainly not claiming all parents fail to do all of the above.  Lots of parents have very quiet children (lucky buggers!), some parents genuinely don't ever co-sleep, some parents are pretty strict when it comes to TV, there are parents who ban all foods with refined sugar from their homes and I'm sure there are parents who take the business of Sci Fi conventions very seriously and make sure their little Jayne Cobb has the right colours on his knitted, earflap hat.

However, there will be something they thought they'd do that they go back on once they have real little people to care for and bring up.

Why?  Well, several reasons.  A big reason for relenting in the earlier days of parenthood is exhaustion.  Everyone knows babies can make you tired and everyone knows when you're tired you're a less efficient human being.  Think Discworld troll in a warm city (and if you don't understand that reference you should immediately find a Terry Pratchett book and read it.  Seriously, I'll wait.  I don't care if you're supposed to be working right now or you need to go and collect the kids from school in five minutes; just find a Discworld book (any - though, I'd prefer you start from the beginning) and start reading.  You'll thank me...and then you'll curse me when you get to the end of the books because we have been robbed of any more Discworld by a skeleton in a black robe who communicates IN CAPITAL LETTERS).  Anyway, as I was saying, sleep deprivation turns you into troll and I don't mean the kind who frequent the comments sections of YouTube (or 'the bottom half of the internet' as a friend calls it) and there is a point where you feel you are going so slowly you'll grind to a halt and turn into solid stone unless you take the baby into bed with you so you can get just half an hour of sleep or turn the TV for an hour so you can have a cup of tea and go to the toilet.

Sometimes you change your mind because you read new research or an interesting article and you simply decide you were wrong before.

A lot of the time it's a case of - and I'd probably have said I'd never use this phrase before I had kids - 'picking your battles'.  Children have this nasty habit of having their own personalities and it's much like a lucky dip where you don't know what you're going to get when you dip...or when your partner...dips...eeeerm...this simile is going to weird places now so I'll stop there.  What I'm trying to say is you might get a laid back sort of child.  An easy-going type.  One who - when you say it's teeth cleaning time - just accepts this, goes with you to the bathroom and stands 'Ahhhhing' and 'Eeeeeing' at the right parts and that's that.  Or one you might get one who's not exactly easy-going but is shy and quiet so will do as their told even if they're unhappy about it.  Or you might get one who - when you say it's time to clean his teeth - replies with, 'No cleeth tean!  No cleath teen!  My no like cleeth tean!' every single day.  And amusing as this cute Spoonerism is, it can grind you down when every morning there's a battle over 'cleeth teaning' regardless of whether you persuade, joke, grab him and march him to the bathroom, try to compromise and bring the toothbrush to the living room, bribe, make it into a game, buy an exciting new toothbrush...

Of course, teeth cleaning is non-negotiable.  It has to be done so I do it despite the battle but there are other similarly wearing daily fights that just aren't as important.  Wearing clothes, for instance.  I've given up making Tyger wear clothes at home unless he's sitting on his booster seat at the table and I worry about the strap chafing him and he complains about the plastic sticking to his skin.  And TV.  I used to only let him watch a specific amount of TV a day.  Now, when it gets to 10am and he's already got bags under his eyes and we've just had the same argument about whether we're going outside when it's blowing a gale and peeing it down out there and Baby Bear is napping so no, of course we're not going out right this moment! five times in a row - resulting in him screaming, throwing things and spitting every time even if I try the good old distraction technique - I will stick an episode of Thomas on the TV and feel no guilt over it.  I don't even cringe at the weird theme tune and lament the disappearance of the old Ringo Starr Thomas theme tune anymore.  I enjoy my cup of tea and know the benefits of not clubbing Tyger to death with the wellies he brought me the third time we had the argument outweigh the detriment 15 extra minutes of TV will have on his development.

There are lots of reasons you end up doing at least some of those things you swore you'd never do but it boils down to the fact - as patronising as it sounds - you honestly do not know what it's like to be a parent until you are one.  Yes, even if you babysat your younger siblings a lot when you still lived with your parents or if you have to look after your niece every week when your brother's at work or if you're a teacher or you really really love your dogs as if they were children.  You just don't.  And when you have them, your children will make a liar of you.

Tyger the Tiger is Being Referred

It's been several months since Tyger had his initial visit from the health visitors who employed the tried and tested 'wait and see' approach to his suspected ASD.  We had a second visit from a different health visitor a couple of weeks ago.

She was nice but almost immediately made the rookie mistake of assuring me Tyger made 'really good eye contact'.  This comes up time and time again when talking about ASD and it's such an outdated thing to focus on.  Whilst a child avoiding eye contact is certainly something to take note of, it's just one of many many traits and behaviours that could indicate ASD but certainly doesn't need to be present for a diagnosis of ASD (lots of autistic people make eye contact perfectly well).

I guess it's the same with anything people start to become aware of and talk about.  If you're actually pretty knowledgeable on the subject, you notice the misinformation or incomplete information everywhere (you know, like when you hear someone discussing Jon Snow's parentage and they don't even know about the L+R=J theory?...anyone?...no?).  I saw a thread on a parenting forum yesterday about a lady who sounded potentially autistic to me.  However, another poster assured me she couldn't possibly be autistic because she had a habit of massively overstaying her welcome and autistic people hate being in social situations so wouldn't do that.  This reminded me of when my mum initially took my ASD sister to the GP the doctor said, 'The good news is it's unlikely to be autism because she wants to have friends.'  This whole 'autistic people hate being around other people' myth is pretty pervasive but it is a myth.  It's true that the mishandling of social situations is a big part of ASD but an inappropriate social response/understanding isn't the same as hating all other people!  Of course you do get the stereotypical autistic person who just doesn't like spending time with others and prefers to spend all day every day on their obsession but you also get the ones who desperately want to spend time with others but find social situations hugely stressful, the ones who enjoy being around other people but possibly don't realise they're being inappropriate or hogging the conversation, the ones who find one person they like and just want to spend all day with that person.  It varies greatly as each one is different - almost like they're, you know, people!

Now, Tyger loves people.  He loves talking to people.  He loves saying 'hi' to people in the street...every single one of them, regardless of whether they say hi back or look at him or acknowledge him in any way.  He loves it when delivery men come to the door and will invite them in ('come in, come in!').  He loves talking to people in the doctor's waiting room and will make instant friends with some unfortunate little old lady who he'll then demand stands up and goes with him to the children's books in the corner.  He loves it when one of my sisters has a friend round and will immediately attach himself to the poor unsuspecting teenager and cry when they disappear to my sister's bedroom.  He loves people.  Except when he doesn't but that's probably another blog post.

The health visitor seemed taken aback by his forwardness and bemused by his responses to her attempts to engage him in putting puzzle pieces into the right slots.  My mum - who has extensive knowledge and experience with young children - said toddlers tend to fall into two groups when they meet a strange adult.  They are either shy and unwilling to engage or confident and eager to please (which isn't to say either group won't end up cheeky/chatty/difficult etc. given a little time to get to know the adult).  Tyger is confident and friendly...but also knows his own mind and will freely tell it to anyone and everyone.  The health visitor asked him to put one puzzle piece in the right place so he did, whilst chatting away.  She asked him to put the next one in place and he told her 'no' and started playing with the piece (it was a car) despite all her encouragement .  She asked him to point out an animal in a book and he did.  Then next time he indignantly told her it was her turn and refused to co-operate.

I don't think she knew how to take him.  I'm not sure she was convinced he has ASD but she's referring him to a child psychiatrist anyway so it doesn't really matter.  The appointment will probably take months to come through but that's fine.  He doesn't particularly need a diagnosis right now since he spends all day every day with me and I already know about his needs but since it can take years in some cases, I'd rather start the whole process now before he's at school and might actually need the support a diagnosis would give.

Not that I always find it easy to support his needs.  For instance, Tyger has sensory issues and one of the ways this impacts on him is he doesn't like wearing clothes.  In particular, he doesn't like wearing jeans.  I think the restrictive nature of them and the waistband are uncomfortable for him.  I'd let him run around naked all day if I could.  I like to think I'm a pretty liberal parent and nudity isn't a big deal - or it wouldn't be if Tyger could leave...himself alone.  I know, I know, it's totally normal and natural for kids to do some 'fiddling' and the like.  As I said, I'm open minded.  However, Tyger will play with his penis until it's red and inflamed.  He also started trying to put various things up his bottom.  Now, I know he's my first but I'm pretty sure the 'let them explore their bodies' attitude only applies so long as you don't think doing so will lead to a trip to the GP (which it did) or possibly A&E.

So, for now at least, clothes are a must.  But the fight of trying to get them on him in the morning and back on him after every toilet visit was tiring and he also learnt if he claimed he needed the potty he could take his trousers and pants off then run away (we're in the UK so 'pants' are always underpants, not trousers).  I tried jogging bottoms instead of jeans but whilst Baby Bear can only wear jogging bottoms because jeans are too tight to get over his huge thighs, Tyger is too skinny for jogging bottoms and they just fall down (the drawstrings on his age range seem to be decorative only and aren't functional - I can only assume this is due to fear of strangulation, which is probably also why you can't get mittens on a string anymore now I think of it).  Dungarees caused more problems than they solved because he got very stressed out by the buttons.

He doesn't mind his onesies at night, though, and often asks to wear them instead of clothes so I had an idea.  I didn't really want him wearing the ones he has for night during the day - partly because they're quite thin and since he also refuses to wear socks he'd likely be cold and partly because I want a distinction between what he wears in the day and the night to help with a sleep association.  I had a look on Amazon and eBay (I'm sure there are other places to purchase things but their existance has slowly faded from my memory) and found a fluffy tiger onesie.  The fabric was similar to a Frozen blanket Tyger has, which he loves.  He especially love to lie on the blanket when he doesn't have any pants or jeans on and...well he really likes it.

The tiger onesie arrived and we were both excited I got him undressed and put the onesie on and...he went mad and told me he wanted his clothes on.  After making a fuss about his jeans for frack knows how long, he was begging to wear them and refused to wear the nice soft onesie with no waistband.  This sort of thing comes up a lot.  Later, after leaving the onesie lying around for him to get used to (like how you introduce a new cat to an existing one slowly and a bit at a time) he said he wanted it on..woohoo!...over the top of his clothes...ah.  I couldn't help but think this was defeating the whole point of the thing and was ready to write it off as a failure but I think he gained encouragement from everyone's reaction to how cute he was and the next day he allowed me to put it on him with only pants underneath.  The Goram zip was a bit scratchy on his chest, though, so I had to add a t-shirt as well.  And that's what he's been happily wearing for two days now: pants a t-shirt and his tiger onesie.  No fights after the toilet and he actually brought the onesie to me this morning when he got up so I could put it on him.  I've ordered a Gruffalo one in similar fabric but I'm a bit worried about how I'm going to wash the tiger one before it arrives.  Evening laundry, perhaps.  Or...I don't know.  I'm sure cleanliness is overrated.

What's Your Favourite Animal?

I'm not sure if I've mentioned the Hoover obsession on here before.

Tiny Tyger is obsessed with Hoovers.  He used to be terrified of them, once upon a time, and would cry if I tried to do the vacuuming (so I selflessly delegated the task to the Wolf - I know, I know: the sacrifices we make for our children).  There was a vacuum cleaner in a room where we had a baby group and he spent a large part of the time pointing at it and making 'vvvvvvv' noises.  Even after the hoover moved to a different room, he still pointed at the corner it used to be and made the noise.

That was the beginning of the fascination with hoovers.  Tyger had a strange relationship with them where he was simultaneously petrified of them and mesmerised by them.  I guess it's not unlike the sort of relationship some religious people have with whatever god they worship: a combination of fear and respect.

But, gradually, he was able to get a little closer to the hoover.  He'd touch it when it was off and watch - captivated - when it was on.  And then he started to touch it when it was on, which led to...Tyger 'helping' with the hoovering.  These days, there is no excuse for me not hoovering (on Tyger's part, anyway.  I still have to time it around Baby Bear's naps but 'fortunately' Baby Bear thinks sleep is for the weak so that's not a huge issue - but that's a blog post for another day!).

He called hoovers 'voogers' and everything was a vooger.  If it vaguely looked like it had a hose or if it was electric/mechanical and didn't fit into other categories like 'car' then it was a vooger.  You wouldn't believe how man voogers can be seen in everyday life.  A tall lamp, pipes, construction machinery, a bouncy castle: all voogers!

For Christmas 2013 - when Tyger was a year and a half - we got him a toy Henry Hoover.  It was immediately promoted to favourite toy and within a couple of minutes he wouldn't even let me touch the thing in order to straighten the hose because he seemed convinced I was trying to take it away from him (slightly offensive he thinks so little of me that he believes I'd give him a present only to cruelly snatch it away a minute later).  He has played with it almost every day since then.  It no longer has the ed attachment (that has gone the same way as some wooden shapes, the wheel of a car, and various other toys that have seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth) and we cannot under any circumstances put batteries in it (made that mistake once and had several days of alternating humming hoover sound or Tyger screaming when we had enough and turned it off until the batteries finally ran out) and the end of the hose has had bits of stuffing from my mum's dog's bed shoved up it but it has seen much use.

For Christmas just past Tyger got a small Henry Hoover (also missing batteries - we have learnt) supposedly for cleaning computer keyboards in his stocking and a cuddly Henry Hoover 'from' Baby Bear.  I'm not sure how normal that is for a two and a half year old.

The other day we took Tyger to get his feet measured at the shoe shop (or 'foot maker' as Tyger later called it) and popped in to the pet shop afterwards.  We got treats and replacement name tag things and worming tablets etc. but they were all 'whilst we're here...' purchases.  Our real reason for going in was to show Tyger the birds/fish/small mammals that normally in habit the various tanks and cages.  Except this time, for whatever reason, said tanks and cages were empty.  Aw, shame.  Especially since we told Tyger he could go in and see the animals.  But he didn't seem that fussed so we thought 'no harm done'...and then...

As I was taking past the back corner just to see what was there he caught a glimpse of something through a curtained off area.  A glimpse of something black and red with a smiling face and a long hose.  Yup, there was a Henry Hoover behind the curtains and I'll admit I did fear a meltdown.  Tyger was quite good, though.  He did try to get to the hoover and succeeded in dashing through the curtains more than once before I managed to grab him.  He also wanted to turn it on and every time I tried to take him away he'd walk a bit with me before stopping dead in the isle to say, 'Vvvvvv...what's that funny noise?  The voogert!' and run back to the curtains.  (I don't know why the 't' has appeared at the end of the word now - Tyger has done it with several words.)

But we made it out.  And, yes, he was crying and kicking as we left but it was actually over the toy dog behind the counter he wanted to stroke and not because of the hoover.

We went to Costa for cake the same trip but when asked what we did that day Tyger, of course, replied, 'See voogert.'  I have also been trying to teach him the meaning of the word 'favourite' and so told him when he was sat at the table with my sister that her favourite animal is a rabbit.  I asked him what his favourite animal was.  He paused to give it thought and replied, 'Voogert.'  So, maybe he understands 'favourite' now but I'm not so sure he gets 'animal'.

Why We Can Only Say 'Suspicious' if We Have Mini Milks

So, the Wolf, Tiny Tyger, Baby Bear and I are currently living with my parents (and my sisters) until we can sell our house several hundred miles away from the Wolf's new job and buy one considerably closer.

My mum is an amateur photographer.  I think she's pretty good but I also don't know anything much about photography so maybe she's terrible.  I think she's good.  So, she got a new camera and had looked into all photographyish stuff (like framing, shutter speed, aperture, lens something - yeah, I don't know) and wanted to just get on and take a bunch of photos.  However, she found she didn't really know what to take photos of (I don't care if I have a degree in English Literature - oh, by the way, I have a degree in English Literature - I don't agree with the stupid 'don't end a sentence with a preposition rule).  So, she joined a couple of scavenger hunt groups online where you're given a load of words/phrases etc. every month and have to take a photo for each one before the end of the month.

Anyway, she's been doing these for a couple of years now, I think, and one of the words she was struggling to get a photo for last months was 'suspicious'.  She'd hunted around in my 13 year old sister's bedroom (with my sister there - she's not that sort of mum).  I assumed she was looking for porn magazines or weed paraphernalia but it turns out my sister used to sometimes stash empty crisp packets away and that's what she was hoping for.  No luck.

So, she was thinking out loud and, turning to Tyger, said something like, 'I don't know what to do for suspicious.  Do you?  Do you have suspicious?'

To which Tyger replied, 'Okay.'  (He's never said 'yes'; he says 'okay' instead.  I don't know why.)

Mum: 'Okay?  You have suspicious?'

Tyger: 'Okay, Tygy spicious.  Okay.'  (He calls himself by a cute name I won't give here since I'm keeping this blog real-name-free so 'Tygy' will have to do instead - it's gets the gist across.)

Mum: 'Okay?'

Tyger (in a progressively higher pitched and more desperate sounding voice):  'Okay, Meemaw.  Spicious.  Tygy spicious.  Okay, spicious.  Meemaw, Tygy spicious.'  (My mum didn't want to be 'Grandma' or 'Granny' or 'Nanny/Nana' so she's 'Meemaw' and yes I got that from The Big Bang Theory.)

So, it became apparent Tyger thought a 'spicious' was a thing Mum was offering him and he really wanted one.

We were in stitches at this and I tried to think of something he didn't know the name of to give him as a 'spicious'.  I thought of the Mini Milks in the freezer and gave him one of those.  Problem solved.  The end.

Except...

A couple of days later Baby Bear was in his activity station playing away with the big beads on a 'wire' (plastic wire - I'm not totally irresponsible) and the 'keyboard' and all the other colourful bits and pieces on the activity station to keep babies quiet and occupied so parents can have a hot cup of tea (that's what I assume they're for, anyway) and I caught a whiff of something.  Then I made a big mistake.

'I think I smell something suspicious.  I need to check your nappy,' I said to Baby Bear like the idiot I am.

Tyger - overhearing this: 'Spicious?  Spicious!  Tygy, spicious.'

And then he threw himself on the floor crying.  So, I gave him another Mini Milk.

And that's why nobody can say 'suspicious' around Tyger unless we have Mini Milks.

Weaning is a Chore

So, Baby Bear is a six months old and we have started weaning him.  I mean weaning in the UK sense of 'starting to introduce solids (or weaning onto food)' not the US sense of 'starting to stop breastfeeding (or weaning off the breast)'.  I have come across this language difference before so want to be clear in case I'm the victim of some online outrage.  Baby Bear is still very much a booby monster but I'm also trying to introduce him to the monstrous world of food.

Now that's cleared up, I'll tackle another potential internet minefield.  I'm doing what's known as 'baby led weaning' (or BLW on all parenting forums and groups).  This is basically the method whereby you plonk meals/food on baby's tray and let them get on with it rather than the 'traditional' method of mushing up food and making aeroplane noises.  I'm not advocating one over the other (she says, backing away from her laptop) since Tyger was 'traditionally weaned' but there you go: that's what we're doing.

Baby Bear is a big baby.  He's 6 months old and in 12-18 months sized clothing.  After Tyger - who was a scrawny thing - it is a joy to have a big fat baby whose wrists and ankles look like cookie dough with elastic bands round but there are also certain expectations when your baby's thighs are fatter than parts of your calves.  I had visions of him snatching at any and all edible (and non-edible) items as soon as they were in his general vicinity and opening up his maw like in Alien and just swallowing everything whole.  So, imagine my disappointment when it turned out he's a normal baby who flails around blindly for a while and then grabs some food just to drop it over the side of the tray.  He does manage to get some food to his mouth (more and more) but then comes the terrifying gagging.

Now, gagging.  Gagging is noisy.  If a baby has food in/near their throat and they're making a frack load of noise that's fine.  Noisy is good.  It's silence that's dangerous because choking is when no air can get past.  I know this.  I remind myself of this every time Baby Bear is making horrid retching and coughing noises but it doesn't stop that little stab of fear from pulsing through me every time.

What I'm trying to say is babies are fun!

And toddlers are a riot.

Tyger sees Baby Bear gagging.  Tyger sees Baby Bear thrashing around and squeezing his food and throwing his cup around.  And he sees Baby Bear gets attention for this...and he emulates it.

I ignore him and he keeps going.  I try the, 'Oh, Baby Bear doesn't know how to eat properly.  He needs to watch his clever big brother who does it so so well.  Why don't you show him how to eat since you're so good at it and so smart and such a good big boy,' tactic.  It doesn't work.  I'm sure this will pass but right now weaning is a chore.

Not on Vegetarianism (Does Tyger Have Asperger's?)

Tyger is already moaning at me for not paying attention to him so we'll see how far through this I actually get before giving up and posting it unfinished (I know there's a 'save' button but if I kept working on posts until I liked them, I'd never post anything anywhere right now).

So, for one thing, the Gro Clock is still working really well.  For a child we very much suspect has Asperger's, it is the perfect visual prompt for bedtime and getting up time.  I'd highly recommend it.

And...I have an upset Tiny Tyger on my lap (I had the audacity to tell him off for spitting his milk out) asking for 'Piggle Piggle' and 'Uh Dezzy' (Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy are two characters from the TV show In the Night Garden, which is like The Magic Roundabout of today.  It's like crack for kids and annoys the hell out of me because of it's weird problems with perspective and...anyway...).

And so the post has been derailed.  I was going to write about vegetarianism and the ethics of bringing up Tyger and Baby Bear as vegetarians (and whether, as parents, the Wolf and I are imposing our lifestyle on them etc.) but my focus on that has been somewhat shifted and I imagine Baby Bear will be awake soon so...

ASD.

One of my sisters was recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (AS).  This is a label no longer used in the US but is often still used here in the UK.  Some people might know it as 'High Functioning Autism', or simply Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) but it probably doesn't matter too much since it is all part of a spectrum, anyway, and one of those labels really tells you what - specifically - my sister has problems with.  A very, very brief overview would be to say she has problems with change or transitions, she has high levels of anxiety - especially about social interactions, she has 'meltdowns' (which mean as a 15 year old she will still occasionally get to the point where she rolls around on the ground or bangs her head off things or can't stop wailing or some combination) when she is overwhelmed, she needs a predictable routine in place and all sorts of other things.  Of course, that doesn't tell you much and there's so much more to it but...Baby Bear awake soon etc. (also, I have to put a chicken in a Fire Engine).

What I was getting at is it runs in our family (my dad also has AS but has never been formally diagnosed and there are diagnoses of Autism on both my mum and dad's sides of the family) and I have a reasonablish knowledge of AS.

So, we're pretty sure Tyger is an Aspie.  Maybe next time or the time after (if I actually write that veggie one next time) I'll actually run through some of the reasons for this.  The health visitors who did his two year check said it was too early to tell (and, hey, he makes eye contact and has a good grasp of language so that's a good sign, right? - nevermind that these are irrelevant when it comes to AS) and will get in touch again in four to six months to reassess and possibly refer him.  And that's fine because you might only get one shot at a diagnosis and right now a lot of his possible 'traits' might just be normal for his age so waiting until he's older and should have outgrown these things really does make sense.

But it feels dishonest to say he has Asperger's when he doesn't have a diagnosis yet and might not for years.  Yet it feels just as dishonest to say he doesn't.

I don't know.  Best wishes.